Content Warning: Mentions of Abuse

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This song has long been a favourite of mine, though I never really paid attention to the lyrics. I searched for songs containing the word ‘Pleasant’, and I was happy to see this one come up. It definitely deserves a spot on my blog.
When I studied the lyrics, I definitely had to swallow for a moment. It hit pretty close to home. And that’s what good music does; it makes you feel things and allows you to work through emotions. I just didn’t know that’s what this song was doing for me.

Gaslighting

My first serious relationship was a bad situation for me. Through reading people’s blogs, I’ve come to discover this is called ‘gaslighting.’ The other person makes you feel like you’re going crazy. And this person did make me feel like I was crazy, as well as frustrated, lonely, depressed and alone. And that’s not what a relationship should be like.

Age Gap

I was eighteen when I got involved with this man who was thirty-one at the time. I am not against age differences in relationships. In my case, it did make me vulnerable to his abuse. I was young, naive and easily impressed. He told me how I was different and special. I wanted to be loved by him, so I believed every word. Now, nearly twenty years later, I can see how gullible I was.

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I’m bound by the life you left behind

He would disappear for days, weeks, months at a time. We never lived together. He said he wanted me to be self-sufficient first. I had just moved into a student apartment, so I was figuring out how to live on my own and run a household. I didn’t have many friends, and I struggled with combining work and university. It was a very dark time.

Excuses

Nine out of ten times, I couldn’t reach my so-called ‘boyfriend’ by phone. I used to get so upset that I couldn’t call him, that I didn’t know where he was. When he needed sex, he would contact me, and all would be well again. He’d have the perfect excuses for his absence.

What was worse, was when we would have a date and he didn’t show. That especially broke my heart.

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone, I’m alone

Still Today

This happened nearly twenty years ago, and I like to think I have recovered since. But only yesterday, I was on the phone with my husband, who called me when he was on his way home from his night out. There was some static on the line, and I immediately froze and thought: ‘Please don’t hang up on me.’ Now, you must know my husband would never hang up on me. He’s the most dependable man there is. And yet I panicked, and my mind returned to the bad place I was in all that time ago.

These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

Lessons

I find it striking I was attracted to this song all this time. I would sing along bits and pieces, but I never realized the whole song matched my situation so well, apart from the lines about drying his tears and fighting his fears. There was hardly any emotional connection from his side, so that part just didn’t happen between us.
I’m in a better place now. I’m not sorry the situation happened to me. I’ve learned valuable lessons from that time, and I hope never to reach that place of darkness again. And I have since learned what a relationship can and should be like, with partners supporting each other on every level in life. And maybe, unknowingly, did Evanescence help me reach this understanding.

My Immortal – Evanescence

I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
And you still have all of me

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone, I’m alone

When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
You still have all of me ah, me ah, me ah

Written by: Ben Moody, David Hodges, Amy Lee
Lyrics © RESERVOIR MEDIA MANAGEMENT INC
Lyrics Licensed & Provided by LyricFind

Link: https://www.lyrics.com/lyric/6030215/Evanescence/My+Immortal


Song Lyrics Sunday is a prompt by Jim Adams, other entries can be found here: https://jimadamsauthordotcom.wordpress.com/2021/09/18/heavenly-satisfying/

6 Comments

  1. Pingback: Song Lyric Sunday - Meer Dan Een Ander - Van Dik Hout * Liz BlackX

  2. It was wonderful reading your experiences of a bad relationship in the concept of the song. I remember when this was played in Smallville and it wasn’t about a bad relationship but Clark learning about his biological mother.

    aisasami

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