BDSM 101: Submission: Giving up Everything or Keeping Control?

Submission is a gift you offer, not giving up everything.

First coming across the subject of submission can be intimidating. The idea of giving up control may turn you on, but what does this mean in real life? Should I submit to every dominant person I meet? Will I lose all of my personality? Do my wishes even count? I’m supposed to hand over all control, aren’t I?
All these questions may seem scary, but other people have gone before you, and they’ve figured out ways to deal with this. In fact, the submissive is the one who is more in control than the Dominant, often. How this works? Keep reading to find out.

Keep it Sane and Safe

First off, there’s nothing wrong with being a submissive. It does not make you a lesser person. If anything, in a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship, you hold more power than the Dominant. Also, you do not have to obey every dominant person you meet.
Stay sane and keep mind of your own safety. Going to a deserted parking lot in the middle of the night to have sex on the hood of the car with a stranger, is not a healthy expression of BDSM. Within an established relationship, this can be a hot encounter, but not with a random stranger you met on Fetlife. It’s not safe, sane en it’s debatable whether it’s consensual.
First meet someone in a neutral place, before submitting. In an environment like this, it’s easier to guard your limits and to keep from making rash decisions. Starting a D/s relationship is the same as any other relationship, so follow the same precautions.

List Your Fetishes

Secondly, it’s a good idea to fill out a BDSM checklist. It’s a list with many different fetishes, and you are to rate them with your level of experience and whether you’re interested in trying them.

One example is this one: http://www.thatotherpaper.com/files/Yes_No_Maybe.pdf

If you search online for “BDSM-checklist,” you will find many others.

Filling out the list is a bit of a chore, but it gives you and your prospective Dominant a useful insight into your preferences and, more importantly, your limits.
Use a list like this to find out more about your own interests and use it for guidance for talking with your partner.
Go back to this list over time and fill it out again after a couple of months. People change, preferences change. Even while in a relationship, keep the communication open and keep your partner up to date with your interests.

Who’s in Control?

Finally, what I said earlier is really true. The submissive holds a lot of power in a D/s. The Dominant can only go so far as the submissive allows.
In a safe, sane, and consensual relationship, there is no such thing as ‘no limits.’ The submissive’s health needs to be safeguarded, else play is over soon.
If, for instance, the submissive, for whatever reason, be it trauma or health issues, won’t do pain play, then the Dominant has no choice but to abide by the limit. If he does take off his belt and whips the submissive (Christian Grey, I’m looking at you), it’s no longer consensual. Of course, he can talk about it with the submissive. Should the sub show interest in exploring the field, then they can do so. But if he/she says ‘no,’ then it’s no. That’s the power a submissive holds over his/her Dominant.

Safety First, then Submission

A submissive is not weak. A submissive can choose who to submit to, he/she sets the boundaries, and the Dominant has to honor these limits.
What I’ve been trying to say, is that the submissive is not a doormat. Most Dominants are abhorred by the idea of having their sub behave in such a way. We’re all humans. Submissives decide to give over control because it fits their nature and because it turns them on. They’re still humans with rights and preferences. Remember this. Discuss this with your partner. Keep it safe, sane, and consensual and then submit. And if it’s your thing, kneel and obey every request. Give up control and please your Master.

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