Do I overthink? Me? No, never.
Yeah, if only that were true. I overthink and overanalyse everything. The topics range from my meals, to how I play my videogames to where I’m going in life. This originates from many things. Let’s see how this unfolds in my day-to-day life and how I benefit from it, or do I?
My overthinking habit touches everything in my life, starting with the smallest of decisions. What am I going to eat for breakfast? What am I going to eat for dinner? Do I want to make an elaborate meal today, or will I just make a snack with fries? I realise this is a common thing to think about, but for me, it occupies a lot my time.
What to Wear?
Some other small issue I think way too much about, is what I’m going to wear on what day. I wear dresses a lot now, and I only own a few, so what is the perfect day for what dress? If I see in the forecast that the temperature is going down, I refrain from wearing my favourite winter dress until the temperature really has gone down. I also save my favourite housework dress for Sundays, when I do most household chores. I sometimes wonder if other people are like this too.
I’m even worse when it comes to planning my outfits for dates with friends or for going to munches. Those days are crucial, so I need to keep my best dresses clean for them. A lot, maybe too much, brainpower goes into planning my perfect outfits, even for the days at home.
As you can imagine, the same method applies to the larger questions in life. We’re on the lookout for a new (second-hand) car. The headaches this has cost us already. Do we buy a cheap car? Will we take out a personal loan and buy a more expensive one? Will we go into personal lease? And then, when we decided on an option, which was the cheap second hand one, the next question arose: what car to buy? The pandemic has given us some more time to consider it, but I doubt it will do us much good.
This issue of overthinking even seeps into my virtual world into the Lord of the Rings Online game I play. I’m playing a different character now, a warrior type instead of a wizard-type, and I’m doing very well. But what is the best route to take? Do I finish every quest and reach the top level in a couple of years, or do I skip some content and achieve the highest level quickly so that I can play together with my husband and his sister? This issue is literally holding me back because I can’t decide. And yes, I tried to finish some quests, but that route is really going to take a long time. And now that I’ve decided to skip the content, for now, I feel bad about it, since I won’t develop my character the same way. You actually become stronger when doing all the content. There is no right answer here.
Right before the Corona crisis hit, my husband and I were invited to play-parties, as in sexual parties where the attendants perform BDSM scenes together. We analysed the hell out of it. So far, we have not gone to one. We’re scared of other people. I don’t know how I’m gonna respond. My husband felt like he couldn’t guarantee my safety. So we did not go. And now, for the foreseeable future, we will not be able to, since they’re all cancelled.
The overthinking issue is also at play in my career. What commitments do I want to make? Will I keep up a blog? Can I write a serial? Why don’t I start a podcast? Why don’t I have a Patreon?
I’m so afraid of commitment that I just don’t. I mean, I write my blog. I’ve kept it up for nearly a year, so that’s good.
I’m afraid of sticking to one niche-genre. That’s why I never wanted to focus solely on the Bimbofication theme. There are times when I love this genre and can write about it easily, but what about when I don’t?
I have convinced myself I can only write good fiction when I’m truly inspired, and usually after writing three or four stories in the same genre, I become bored, and the quality of my work dwindles. With things like a podcast or a Patreon, you need to commit to delivering quality content every number of days or weeks. I cannot guarantee this output, so I don’t start one.
I procrastinate a lot. I read Twitter, I stare out the window to the birds in my garden, I watch TV. I basically waste a lot of time. This is both a cause and a result of my indecisiveness. In a way, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. See, I can’t even write eight hours a day, so it’s evident I shouldn’t commit to anything long-term.
And a big part of this issue is my insecurity. I don’t believe in myself, in my ability to write, in my ability to achieve anything really. So why would I begin?
That’s also the reason why I overanalyse everything. As long as I’ve gone over every factor possible, things will be all right, and nothing unexpected will happen. Yeah, the phrase kind of gives away why that doesn’t work.
But, in the end, not all is bad. My blog is close to its one-year anniversary. I have successfully written a bimbofication serial without missing a week. My character in Lotro has finally reached lvl 100, where the highest level is 130, so she’s getting there. These small accomplishments give me some hope for the future.
Will I ever stop overthinking things? No, I don’t think so. It’s something I have developed over the years, and I think it’s here to stay. I hope to learn to deal with it a little better and stop paralysing myself for fear of what might happen. Some outcomes could be good, maybe even great. And yes, I might stumble or even fall, but I also know I have the strength to get back up again. If only I could convince myself of that last bit.