Lack of Confidence
When I sat down to write an article about this topic, I came to one overarching fear: Fear of Failure. Yes, with capital letters. However, when I wrote the outline, the subject changed to something else, something even broader.
What holds me back most in life, is lack of confidence. Wikihow summarises it like this:
This could be fear of embarrassment, fear of rejection, fear of criticism, fear of failure, or one of many other kinds.
It comes down to this: I don’t trust my own abilities. If only I trusted myself, I would believe that I could bounce back from anything that life throws at me. As I have done many times in my past. So how did it come to this?
Back in the Day
I wasn’t always like this, without a lack of confidence. My childhood was rough, but within the space I had, I was relatively happy. I got plenty of space to develop myself. I wrote short stories, I played with my toys, I invented entire plays. There was enough confidence within me to express myself in that way.
As a teenager, I was depressed and emotional, but again, during my good days, I was quite confident. I was always the smart one and reveled in that persona. I did whatever extra-curricular activities were available, and I also went on many holidays with my friends whenever I got invited. When not too depressed, I was confident enough.
Down the Drain
The change came when I went to university. I moved into a room of my own. And again, I became depressed combined with thorough loneliness this time. The partner I had at the time was abusive, as in not calling me for weeks at an end. At university, I wasn’t the smart one anymore. I struggled with studying. To this day, I have never learned how to study a large body of text properly. Over time I lost all the confidence I had once had.
My work in retail didn’t make it any better. I felt very insecure there, mainly by how managers and coworkers treated me. Once again, I was the smart one, but instead of it being seen as a plus, I was often seen as a threat. I liked solving problems, but I often struggled with the more mundane tasks.
A Fresh Start
After years of consideration, I quit my job and started my career as a writer. Being a writer, while low on confidence is not the best combination. It’s actually an awful mix. A large part of the job means getting your work out there and exposing yourself to criticism. Instead of exposing myself, I just don’t finish any stories that I have written. Only to find it again a couple of months after I had written it, and then thinking: Hmm, maybe it’s not so bad. But even then not finishing it.
Nowadays, I’m slowly getting there. The company I write reviews for regarding their sex toys, appreciate my work a lot. Writing this blog gives my week a better structure, so that helps too. And even receiving feedback is incredible.
Which Perfect is Perfect for Me?
In a perfect world, where I could have infinite self-confidence, it would be so much easier. I would write, finish the stories, and share them with the world. But then again, that wouldn’t be me. I need some sliver of fear to make my work better, to make my fiction stronger.
I’m still searching for the golden balance. Until then, I’ll have to face my fears. I will write my stories, finish them, and hit that button. Publish.
This blog post was written inspired by this week’s ‘Food For Thought Friday’ theme.
I relate to this in so many ways. Thanks for the post.
Thanks! I can’t say I’m glad you related to it, because being low on confidence is not something I wish upon other people, but I’m still happy you appreciated it ☺️
I suffered from lack of confidence when I was young and got better as I got older – so reverse to you. I think it is because I worry what people think of me far less now, than I did in my twenties or even thirties.
Glad u are slowly getting there though 😉
I hope it’ll get better from now on, especially once I enter my forties, which is not too far away now. Thanks for your feedback!
I can tell you that your confidence levels definitely . . . definitely . . . become less of an issue the more mature one becomes.
I think partly it comes from experiencing all the ups and downs of normal, everyday, life . . . but, partly also because you just get to a point where you think “to hell with it, I just want to do what I want to do, I just want to ENJOY what I want to enjoy. Why should I care what anybody else thinks”
My advice? . . . Just be who YOU want to be, not who you think others may want you to be !!!
Xxx – K
Thank you for your advice ☺️
I’ll definitely keep it in mind when I’m facing a challenging situation, and I hope it does indeed get easier with the years.
Thank you so much for joining us for this week’s F4TFriday, I think you’ve shared something that a lot of folks will resonate with on some level. One think I have noticed though is how people’s confidence grows when they surround themselves with the blogging community. Words of support and encouragement offered seems to do wonders for giving people a boost.
I very much hope we see you writing for more of the F4TFriday prompts that myself and May think up and in the meantime keep hitting publish.
Thank you for your kind words ☺️
So far the blogging community has been very welcoming and friendly to me, and receptive to a newcomer like me. So far, it feels good ☺️
I find this community to be great at developing confidence, so supportive and kind. I recognise some of my experiences in your decreasing confidence into and through teenage years and I think this may be one of those unspoken truths for many people. Hopefully your blog will help you develop confidence you can carry into RL experiences as it has for me.
Thank you, I hope so too ☺️