Tell me about … Trust
I don’t trust. Anyone. Ever. So there you have it. End of story. I don’t trust anyone, not strangers, not people close to me, not even myself. But I am married, in a 24/7 D/s relationship with my husband who’s also my Dominant and I have four cats who love me. So there’s got to be some trust somewhere. I know and acknowledge this. So what is my relationship with trust? Why is it so hard for me, and how have I been dealing with this issue, especially within the realm of BDSM? Let me start at the beginning.
A Good Beginning…
Well, not the beginning-beginning. Let me describe this by saying that I didn’t have a loving, trusting relationship with my mother. And since that relationship is the blueprint for all your following bonds, it wasn’t a great start. Apart from a rough family life, I have worked in retail for nearly twenty years. Anyone who has had any experience of working in retail knows it can be detrimental for how you see the public. In the end, it feels like everyone is out to hurt you, to cheat on you, to rob you.
Unfortunately, also in friendships, I have been deceived and betrayed. And my first serious love-relationship was only serious from my side. My partner was only interested in using me.
A New Perspective
All this sounds like a petty sob story, but bear with me, there’s light on the way. Ten years ago, my now-husband entered my life. He was different from other people who I had known before. Unlike my first partner, he was always there. He was always interested in me, and he forced me to tell me what was bothering me. No one had ever been this genuinely interested in me.
We shared our love for BDSM from the beginning. We explored a lot together, carefully exploring how far we could go. For the first time in my life, I felt safe. My Dom took care of me, he always had my safety first in mind. On a deep level, I trusted him.
From Part-time to Full-time
A year ago he asked me: Shall we go 24/7? I clamped up. In my mind, a 24/7 D/s relationship would diminish me to some full-time slavegirl whose only job it was to wait on her Master. And since I’m already dependent on his income, I didn’t want to lose more autonomy.
He continued to explain his vision on the subject. In the end, he added: “Trust me.” I swallowed my objections, and we went for it. And you know what? Very little changed. Because lo and behold, our lifestyle had been as good as 24/7 as it was. I already brought my husband his coffee and tea, I made his breakfast and lunch, and we had our little moments throughout the day. Even if it was just a tap on my ass while shopping.
I trusted him, and I came out all right. That’s not surprising since my husband is by definition an attentive, caring and yes, trust-worthy person.
A Whole Different Ballgame
In addition to establishing our relationship as a 24/7, we are now reaching out to the local BDSM-community.
I was terrified about meeting new people, and especially about opening up about my submissiveness and my love for BDSM since I’ve always hidden both from everyone. Out of sheer nervousness, I didn’t sleep for three nights before my first munch.
I needn’t have worried. Never have I been in a group of so many trustworthy, respectful, non-judging people in my life. I didn’t think it existed.
It’s still terrifying to me to open my heart to so many strangers, and yes, even to this day I wonder when they’re gonna betray me. Not if, but when. But so far, so good.
We’re Getting Somewhere
So, in conclusion, there’s light shining on the horizon. Even a bitter and anxious person like me can learn to trust. It only involved meeting the right people at the right time. They’re still baby-steps, but you gotta start somewhere. Every day I feel more secure in my role as a submissive, especially now that I’m in a group where other people acknowledge this part of my personality without condemning it. There may be hope for me, after all.
Update November 2020
Okay, eighteen months and a pandemic later, I’ve changed my mind a little. As everyone warned me, not everyone in the munch is as open and friendly as they seemed at first glance. I’ve made great friends, and lost some too. I guess that comes with the territory of it being a human relationship. It’s what I expected, and it is what happened. That’s all right.
What I’ve learned this past year, is that there are good people out there, even today. And it’s a good feeling to have friends. It makes you feel less alone.
I’ve made friends here too, in the online community. That’s something I never thought would happen. It makes me feel less alone when I sit in my office by myself, typing away.
Trusting people is still difficult. I don’t think I’ll ever lose that fear. I just need to be conscious of it and make an effort not to shut everyone out. Trust is still fragile.
This is such a valuable post and I am glad that you chose to share your own experience. Trust is fundamental to all relationships so I can appreciate how much and how far reaching the effect of that is when you haven’t been able to trust during those early years. It is continual hard work to try to rewire the brain’s natural responses and I am really pleased that the D/s relationship you have with your husband has allowed you to start to do that. Hopefully this will really encourage others who may find it difficult that in the right circumstances, you can slowly build trust again. Thank you ?
Thank you for your kind words 🙂
It is hard work and it is an ongoing process. To this day my husband exclaims: ‘just trust me,’ while it’s still tough for me. But we’re getting there, slowly.
Trust for me is fragile too – and like you i had a little bit of a difficult beginning. But I also get strength from mis-trusting as I think trust and respect need to be earned.
I have really enjoyed getting to know you Liz and what is rare for me is I would call you a friend but I have never met you. I usually feel safer with my online friends if I have met them – be it briefly.
Who knows maybe we will put that to rights one day 😉
I call you my friend too, May, and I only do that sparingly. Who knows, maybe Eroticon 2022 ?
You do make me laugh!
Thank you for linking and updating this post for WW this week, as it seems I have missed it the first time around. I am happy you have stepped out to go to munches, but sorry that some people turned out not to be as trustworthy as you have thought at first glance. I should borrow a bit of your “I don’t trust” 🙂
I think about this a lot. I used to be like you: trusting everyone always. But after enough mishaps, I realised it wasn’t feasible anymore. But the opposite way, always distrusting everyone isn’t fun either. Life is tough.
Lovely to read of your journey Liz … and of your experiences with sharing and growing your 24/7 relationship.
And I do agree with you about possibly never losing that fear of trusting new people that one meets.
Xxx – K
Thank you. It’s not an easy or fun way to live, but unfortunately for me it’s necessary.