Anal: Fantasy, Yes. Body, No.

Trigger warning: this blog post contains references to sexual violence.

Fascinated

Illustration to the text about anal sex by Liz BlackX

Image by Manuela Jaeger from Pixabay
Image by Manuela Jaeger from Pixabay 

Anal sex is a tough subject for me. If you ask me: Liz, do you like anal? My answer is: Yes! Give it to me all day every day.
But…
For several reasons, that’s unfortunately impossible. And not only because spending your days only having anal sex would get boring real fast, but also for health reasons.

Not that Easy

The reasons why I can’t enjoy anal sex regularly are both physical and mental.
I was a victim of sexual assault, both vaginally and anally. He hurt me and broke things inside of me. But seeing that that’s over twenty years ago, I could deal with that. I don’t get flashbacks anymore of that event. That’s not what’s holding me back.
Today, my body is not working along. Mainly for reasons of stress I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I don’t want to go into details, but it makes having anal sex near impossible.

Never Is Not an Option

So now what? Is that it? Bad memories plus physical pain, so we just don’t do anal? That’s what you would expect, right? No. I’m mightily intrigued by this form of sex, and I have many fond memories of spectacular orgasms reached by the touching of my butt.
There was one instance when I was having sex with my ex, roughly sixteen years ago, and he mentioned he was going to fuck me up the ass next. The mere thought, the fear, pushed me over the edge, and I reached a tremendous orgasm. I don’t think he was actually planning to do so, but the mere implication was enough for me.

Easy Trigger

My husband is well aware of my anal fascination. Sometimes I wonder if I never left the Freudian anal phase. He knows that if we’re having sex and he wants to make me cum, a finger on my butthole is enough to trigger an orgasm. In our humiliation play, he makes me say that I’m his ‘anal slut’. At first, I couldn’t even utter the words, nowadays I’ve accepted them as truth.

No Intercourse…Yet

Because of my aforementioned mental and physical boundaries, we don’t have anal intercourse. It is still a dream that we will fulfil one day. There are months when we train this with fingering and buttplugs, but then something happens, and we let go of the routine. Since it’s a dream of us both, I know we will get there one day. I don’t know if it’s gonna be this year, or even this decade, but we will get there. We both love anal sex too much.


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8 Comments

  1. Thank you for willing to be vulnerable and share this, and I’m heartened to read you’ve been able to move past your experience but maintain boundaries that are in your best interests for now, that’s really valuable self care. It’s great that, despite everything, you are open to the exploration and that maybe you’ll get there in your own time. I can relate to the IBS thing though, mine flares up unexpectedly still and you just never know!!

  2. Thank you for sharing such a personal and difficult experience with us. It is so good to know that you have been able to work through some of the issues that it left and what you are doing in terms of anal play really sounds like it is working for you. With me the humiliation is so much part of 8t as well so I can really relate to that. 😊

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