BDSM 101: What is BDSM about?

Power + Trust + Fun

BDSM has many faces


The general idea people have of BDSM is that it’s dark, leather, and whips. That’s what you see in the media, for example in a crime show like CSI and Criminal Minds. Also, in Fifty Shades of Grey, the depiction of BDSM is quite dark and abusive.
To me, the real-life version of BDSM is so grim. Last week I talked about the importance of fantasy (https://www.lizblackx.nl/i-like-bdsm-now-what-first-steps-for-beginners/), and for all I care, your fantasies may be as dark as you like. But in real life, the essential cornerstones of BDSM are power, trust, and fun. Here’s why.

Control as a Turn-on


The basis for every BDSM-scene is a discrepancy in power. The submissive willingly gives over power to the Dominant. This interaction is what turns on the people involved. The submissive loves giving up his right to make decisions. This can be the right to choose what food to eat, what time to go to bed at night, what clothes to wear, or even what money to spend. In the case of bondage, the submissive gives up his power to move.
The Dominant in his turn revels in the fact that he has this power, that he is in control. That he can order his submissive to kneel on the floor or forbid him to eat fast food.
The dynamic between these people is what turns them on. The excitement of either giving up control or having it is what inspires people to engage in BDSM.

I Trust You

A close second requisite is trust. When the submissive gives his Dominant the power to make decisions like this, it’s paramount that he trusts his superior. The Dominant has to return this trust, both by trusting his submissive will do as told, and by not harming and abusing the trust invested in him. It’s a two-way street.
Only with the trust intact from both sides, a healthy and beautiful situation can blossom. When the sub can give in, he can even sink off into subspace, what some see as the ultimate goal. Also for the Dominant, this is the best feeling ever.

Giggles and Laughter

The third ingredient for BDSM is fun. This is what you don’t see in the media when BDSM is mentioned. They name abuse, you see tears, but whatever satisfaction is had between the two partners is ignored. For me, having fun is one of the crucial ingredients. My opinion is not shared with everyone. Some people say all spankings have to be severe and strict. Others only do bondage in a serious fashion, adhering strictly to every rule in the book.
My Dominant and I are both looser in how we do things. Both during spankings and during bondage, there is room to giggle and laugh. We both laugh when I yelp ‘ouch!’ when a cane blow hits me the wrong way. My Dominant’s response is: “That’s kind of the point of this exercise.”
Or we laugh when he’s doing bondage on me, and he asks me to turn around, and I turn the wrong way. These moments count for me, and they bring me closer to my partner, especially when that happens during BDSM play.

Not So Serious

The three components, power, trust, and fun, are essential to BDSM, at least in my interpretation. Without trust, you cannot have power. And without fun, you cannot have trust. I know there are other interpretations out there. Some people cannot play unless the partners are clad in leather. And some would see giggling as an utter sign of disrespect. Both of these interpretations are okay, as long as everybody is on the same page. I would not fare well in such an austere environment. That’s why my partner and I are in a more casual form of BDSM. Which is not to say the spankings are any less painful.

What are your thoughts about this subject? Do you agree with my cornerstones? Leave a comment down below.

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