Control and Trust

Control in BDSM goes in two ways. Picture as illustration to the text by Liz BlackX about control within a 24/7 BDSM relationship
Control in BDSM goes two ways

Being a submissive, I give up control. That’s kind of in the job description.
But it’s not that easy, nor that straightforward. Because tied to control is trust. You can only give up control unless you trust the person you’re handing it over to. Or, as in my case, unless you are able to trust anyone. Yourself, your partner, your friends. You need to have trust that the other one has the best intentions.
So here I am, in a 24/7 D/s relationship and yet I struggle with trust and, as a result, with giving over control. How do we deal with this?

I am Submissive

You only need to look me in the eye or be around me for half a minute, to know that I am a true submissive. My entire demeanour gives that away. In our relationship too, I do submit on some levels. I make my Dominant tea, I cook his food, I wash his clothes, along with dozens of other tasks. And I submit to him too if he wants to fondle my body throughout the day, or if he commands me in a particular position. He can order me to strip and give me a spanking during the early afternoon if he so pleases.
Both in bondage and in spankings, I submit to him, and I give him full control. I trust him enough to decide how he wants to tie me up or which implements to use during a spanking. He knows my body and which physical limitations I have, so I know that will work out fine.

Dreams vs Reality

I am, however, not the docile 24/7 sub that I would like to be in my fantasies. In my dreams, I am in his service all day long, waiting on my knees, by his side, always ready for the next command.
Real-life doesn’t work that way, and neither does my mind. I have things I want to do. I make plans throughout the day, and I do not like having my plans disturbed. So this is where I struggle with giving up control.
Let’s say we’re both working from home and he calls me to him just before lunch. I was working on a blog post, and he starts to fondle me. I’ll resist and try to walk away, while my Dominant is hurt and says ‘but I only wanted to feel you for a moment.’ I didn’t know he only wanted some intimacy and thought it was a build-up to some bigger play, while I was doing work and wanted to continue with my project. Situations like these happen a lot. And instead of trusting him and letting him have control, I resist and walk away.

It Goes Both Ways

It’s a game of give and take. I submit enough to be able to call myself a submissive in a D/s 24/7 relationship. My Dominant takes enough control for me to be at ease within this relationship. He would like for me to submit more, to trust him more that he doesn’t always have ill intentions.
I want him to take more control in certain occasions. Often before we start a bondage session, he asks me to pick out a design from one of the books we have. This is very difficult for me because it’s hard for me to judge whether I can take a particular type of bondage or how difficult it is for him to execute. I’d much prefer to submit and let it happen to me.
The same goes for spankings. My husband will often ask me which implements I want to have used on me, while for me, I would prefer to just endure what he decides.

Just Enough

I will never give up full control. My Dominant will never take full control. And maybe that’s just as well. We’re married, we’re living together, and we need our D/s to be a workable solution for both of us. Giving up all control and losing my sense of identity would make me very miserable. Having full control over me and having to decide my every move would make my Dominant very miserable. And so we stay in the middle. I give him some control within specific parameters, he takes control within these parameters. Once in a while, we have a discussion about these limits, and we adjust them one way or another. But we have also decided that we’re happy with how things are going. Yes, there could be more play. I could submit more, he could take control more, but we both think it’s fine where we are right now. So we’re good.



  1. Thank you for joining the meme Liz x I found this interesting to read, and if I may, perhaps in the situations you describe, where your D calls you away from a task to fondle you for a moment, if he were to communicate this, at the time it would manage your expectation and reduce the resistance you feel? I will say to MrH that if he tells me what he’s thinking I can manage my expectations…

    Great post ??

    1. Thanks for reading Sweet.

      Yeah, I’ve mentioned this option to him too, but you know men. We really communicate on many levels, but some things remain unresolved. Ah well.

  2. I am very into workable D/s fantasies. Squaring your wants with reality is, to me, pretty hot – it means you actually intend to live the fantasy rather than just daydream about it. That’s a big, cool thing.

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