Need for Mystery
I love secrets.
But Liz, you always say how open you are in your relationship and how you share everything?
I do. It’s not like I’m holding back anything significant. I just need to have some secrets.
This started when I was growing up. My mother was very strict. To escape her scrutiny, I kept secrets. I would read while in bed when it wasn’t allowed. I would solve puzzles in the activity books I had in my room. I would play with my toys when I should have been asleep.
Yes, this is normal behaviour, but for me, the stakes were higher than for your average kid. When discovered, my mom could explode. This possibility made everything more intense. You could call secret moments like these, my small acts of rebellion.
Later, when I was living together with my vanilla ex, I rediscovered my kinky side. I stayed up late while he was asleep and browsed the internet. For a while, I spoke with a Dominant from Finland. We spoke only through e-mail, and we never had the intention of meeting up. It gave me the satisfaction of having some form of kink in my life. Next to that, I also started to write my BDSM-stories again.
Caught in the Act
One time I was busted. I was masturbating behind the computer, and my ex walked in. He merely said: “You okay?” before returning back to bed.
I was mortified, but it didn’t stop me. Well, I had lost the mood for orgasms that evening, and I was slightly more careful after that had happened, but yet I continued. My need for kink and sex in my life was unstoppable.
Not That Secret
And now I’m in an open relationship where I can share everything, even when I have a crush on another man. It feels good not having to hide stuff, but I miss my secrets. So I have fake secrets.
Almost every Monday I have my secret masturbation hour when my husband is at work. He knows full well about this, and he is okay with it, but to me, it feels naughty. That’s just the level of secrecy I need.
I also hide my fiction-writing from him. I don’t share it with him. He wants to act out what I have written, and I dislike that. Let my fantasies be that: just fantasies.
Just What I Need
I don’t keep any real secrets from my husband. We’re not in mega-debt, nor am I in a secret relationship. I just relish in my small fake secrets. They make me happy, they make me feel alive and give my life that tiny smidgeon of naughtiness that I need. Just don’t tell anyone, okay?