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Picture from Depositphotos.com

Submissive Reflection

#1 Submissive Feelings

How did I know?

To be completely honest, while exploring my sexual feelings, I chatted with a lot of men online while I was a teenager. I used a nickname and never gave anyone my real age, location or picture. The men set up different scenarios for us to explore, and the one that turned me on the most was when I was in a sexually submissive role. I remember thinking: ‘okay, I guess I am a submissive.’ There was no drama, no disbelief; I just accepted it. 

I browsed the internet for hours on end, clicking through pages of porn thumbnails as that was all that was available in the mid- to end nineties. 

By reading stories on http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/stories, I honed my preferences and discovered what I liked best. I preferred the stories with a strong male Dominant and a helpless female submissive, used in whatever extreme way possible. 

Just Me

It was a very private business. I don’t want to think about what my father must have discovered, as I didn’t clear the browser history afterwards. In my mind, this was only for me. I chatted with random men online, but that was it. There was never any talk of setting up a date and doing these things in real life. 

I didn’t share my sexual fantasies with my friends. We never talked much about these things, and I kept this part especially, to myself.

Real Life Fun

My first real-life experience was with my first partner. He helped me to explore what it was like for real. It strengthened my belief this was really something for me and that it was the right way. We did some light bondage play together and played with things like nipple clamps. I loved every second of it. 

Only Sexual and Private

I never made the decision to give my submission a steady place in my life. I never decided my life partner should be into BDSM. My husband did make that decision at an early age and has selected his partners with that in mind. 

I never realised I would be able to find friends in the kink scene. It was different for me, like you shouldn’t mingle sex preferences with life choices. It never occurred to me that this could be beneficial. 

Definitely Not At Work

In the workplace, I realised being a submissive would be dangerous, so I did my best to shield this part of me from colleagues and customers. I wore a mask at work, wanting to hide my true feelings and opinions. This was most apparent while I worked in a supermarket, which of course, in no way is a good environment to experiment with these feelings. I think I used my submissiveness in how I dealt with leading my colleagues from a management position. I also think my colleagues used my submissive nature to make me work impossible hours and give me annoying tasks. 

Sexuality and BDSM Always

And now? My husband is very much into BDSM, and we live a 24/7 D/s lifestyle. I decided to give sex a prominent place in my life by writing almost exclusively about sex, whether erotic fiction or sex toys and -reviews. My friends are all from the kink scene. We even discuss our playtimes together. I never realised how natural that would feel. 

Every day I’m growing more confident in my role as a submissive. I wouldn’t want it any other way. 

Submissive Reflection