Self-Control: When your Mind is Against You


The promise of a blank notebook: stories to be written, stories to be shared
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Roasted Flavoured Peanuts

When I first saw this prompt, I thought about my snacking habits. Simply put: I snack too much. Too many crisps and peanuts and chocolate and cookies.
Last year, in the winter of 2018/2019, I was addicted to peanuts, the flavoured ones from Lidl. I gained so much weight that season that I still carry today. But then I thought: that’s not fair. That’s not the entire story.
Just look at how I spend my days. I have no other occupation than writing. Why is it that I struggle to write two measly blog posts a week?

Hard Work

I have always worked hard. From the age of fourteen, I took my first job, and I have worked hard from day one. I was always on time, I never missed a shift, and I took on way more responsibility than necessary.
When I quit my job to work for myself, I assumed I would continue in this vein.
Except I didn’t.

Drifting

The first years I had no plan, no purpose and no structure. Only when I started my blog, I developed some sense of structure.
The problem is: I want more. I want to become a top sex toy reviewer. I want to write erotica. I want to make money. But still, I have no vision, no plan of how to reach any of these goals.

Trauma

Part of this, I have led back to my cPTSD. I have a strong inner sense of hopelessness. Why would I try to do anything if it’s only going to lead to disappointment?
Why would I try to finish that story if I’m not going to have it edited anyway? I have already struggled so much with this story, the final scene is bound to be shit anyway.
And yes, of course, I have made lists and plans in the past, but I have abandoned them all. Starting a new plan would only lead to another disappointment.

Pulling Through

I have no perseverance at the moment. The longest I can work on one task is thirty minutes. And even then I check mail and Twitter in between. Sometimes I use the Forest app on my phone, and that helps a little, but not enough.

Look, A Squirrel

My mind is fickle. I jump from one idea to the next without finishing anything.
If only I could set myself to writing about bimbofication, I could make money. I’m quite sure of it. But then I think: nah, I’m not that much into that kink right now, I’d much rather write this toy review. And off I go.

Avoidance

I have no perseverance to do anything slightly difficult or annoying, which bugs me to no end. During my years in retail, all I did were tasks I didn’t like, and I did them without protest. My current attitude towards work can even be seen as a form of self-harm. By not finishing anything, I avoid the chance of criticism, but I also perpetuate the feeling of uselessness, of not being worth anything.

Now What?

So what’s the solution? Sit down and write? Yeah, if only it were that simple. It is that simple, I know, but my mind is strong, and it’s showing me all the signs that no, that would be a bad idea. You’re not going to finish it, you wouldn’t get it properly edited once you do, so it’s a worthless cause to start. Or should I just sit down and try it once again?


12 Comments

  1. I’m sorry you’re struggling with all of this. I understand why you’re struggling with those feelings of, what is the point if it’s just going to be a disappointment anyway? It’s not just negative thinking as such, it’s a deeply rooted belief that comes from your past. I hope things will improve for you as you are definitely worthy

    1. Thank you so much ☺️
      Since I’m prone to negative thoughts and a negative self-image, it’s hard for me to see the difference sometimes. Which makes it all even harder 😶

      Lizblackx
        1. That’s a good idea. I’ve tried to do that sometimes, and it does help, except the part where I scoff at myself for being so silly 🙃
          I’ve considered doing some meditation again, as people say that might help. It feels so superfluous and hazy, but maybe it’ll calm my mind on some level. Who knows? 🤷‍♀️

          Lizblackx
          1. Sometimes I need to have the positive things already written down because my mind on its own isn’t strong enough to generate the positivity. Maybe it’s worth trying?

            If it works for you, why not! Meditation never worked for me personally, nor did mindfulness, though everyone keeps saying I should try it

          2. It still feels weird to have someone infuse you with happy affirmations and telling you to be grateful, but sometimes that’s just what you need to hear. I guess it’s similar to the way you write the positive things down. Funny how we need to force ourselves to think happy thoughts 😌

            Lizblackx
  2. Lethargy and procrastination are things I can easily succumb to and there’s certainly an element of ‘why bother ?’. Getting out of that rut is something I’m not able to do consistently.

    I know you want to write in other directions, but I had to smile at the ‘bimbofication’ comment. It’s a deep trope that’s very popular in sissy hypnosis porn fiction. Yes, I think you’d make money with it.

    I do hope the mojo returns. 🌹🌹

    1. I’m sorry to hear you struggle with lethargy and procrastination too. I always love your thought-provoking posts.

      Last year, I published a couple of bimbo stories which were badly edited and set in an absurd situation, but even those sold quite easily and still made me 10 – 20 Euros in total.

      But the good news is that yesterday I edited an old story of mine. I structured it for Scrivener and I even edited 800 words. That felt really good 😊 Now let’s see if I can finish that story.

      Thanks for reading 😊

      Lizblackx
  3. MMMM I love peanuts, cashews and almonds and pecans. I used to eat lots crisps but not so much anymore. Still eat lots of junk food.
    I also have a problem with my attention span. I took adderall and I can function without it but don’t like too. I am with you on trying to publish posts and keep up with all the memes, but like yesterday I wasn’t well, slept most of the day.
    You managed to publish this post and that’s a good thing. I hope you felt a little better afterwards at least 🙂

    1. I love cashews too, especially the salted ones! Thankfully they’re quite expensive, so I don’t buy them often, only on special occasions. That’s the downside of these peanuts that I loved so much: they’re dirt cheap, so it doesn’t feel that bad buying them.
      I grant myself off-days too, or days when there is too much other stuff going around, but when these off-days are twice a week, it gets too much.
      I did feel somewhat better afterwards. This week was not my worst. I hate how whiny this post turned out, though. But okay.

      Lizblackx

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