Never the Twain Shall Meet
I’m a private person. Unfortunately, life has taught me that it is dangerous to be open and welcoming to the world. Time and time again, I’ve been betrayed by those closest to me. This has led me, and my husband, to be very private. Our curtains are closed at all times. We don’t want any spectators in our private lives. We were close to becoming full recluses.
I hide my sexuality from the world, except for those who know me as Liz BlackX and those I meet through the BDSM munch. This leads to a strange dichotomy. Vanilla Liz and Kinky Liz. Never the twain shall meet…
Cold as Ice
Coming from a difficult childhood, I have learned to shield myself. Opening up meant being vulnerable. Time and time again, this trust has been broken by family, friends and strangers alike. The walls around me have grown bigger and stronger every time someone stepped on my heart.
When you meet me today, you will see a distant person, seemingly cold even. I’m always polite, of course, and I’ll try to throw in a little joke to relieve any tensions, but distant nonetheless. My facade is even, I consciously try to hide my emotions. I cannot hide what my eyes are telling, so my true feelings will always shine through, but not everyone is aware of that. To the general public, I’m just a strange woman.
I was talking with my mother in law the other day, telling her about the friends we have made at the munch. No, she doesn’t know it’s a munch or that it’s anything BDSM related, but I’m comfortable dropping first names and telling about them in broad strokes. My mother in law then said to me: ‘You know, Liz, you are tough to make contact with, because you never open up.’
Which got me thinking. I do open up at the munch. No, definitely not to everyone, but I do to the people I consider my friends. I talk about myself quite a bit, actually. I mean, I have the standard talk I’m comfortable sharing with everyone, about what happened to my parents and roughly about what happened when I was a kid. But with all my friends, I share more. The weird thing is, is that it goes so naturally. They are interested in me, they ask profound questions, and I answer everything truthfully. And in return, they tell me about themselves. Oh wait, I guess that’s the basic definition of building a relationship, a friendship.
Too Little or Too Much
So right now, I’m sacrificing some of my privacy. Actually, quite a lot of my privacy, in exchange for new friends. I even literally invite them into my home. Once I trust you, I dare to open up. And sometimes I amaze myself. Then I come home after the munch and think: why did I say that? Why did I share so much? But that’s the other side of me.
At the one hand I’m completely closed and distant, and on the other hand I easily overshare and tell you everything once I have decided to trust you. Will there ever be a middle way? I don’t know. I guess not. Most of the world doesn’t deserve to see this open side of me. Only when I have decided to trust you, I open my arms, give you a hug and tell you my deepest secrets. And until that day, I will only serve you ice.