Privacy: Cold Liz or Warm Liz

Never the Twain Shall Meet

Only as my friend, you can sit at my fire. Else you can stay in the cold.
Photo by Graham Padmore on Unsplash

I’m a private person. Unfortunately, life has taught me that it is dangerous to be open and welcoming to the world. Time and time again, I’ve been betrayed by those closest to me. This has led me, and my husband, to be very private. Our curtains are closed at all times. We don’t want any spectators in our private lives. We were close to becoming full recluses.
I hide my sexuality from the world, except for those who know me as Liz BlackX and those I meet through the BDSM munch. This leads to a strange dichotomy. Vanilla Liz and Kinky Liz. Never the twain shall meet…

Cold as Ice

Coming from a difficult childhood, I have learned to shield myself. Opening up meant being vulnerable. Time and time again, this trust has been broken by family, friends and strangers alike. The walls around me have grown bigger and stronger every time someone stepped on my heart.
When you meet me today, you will see a distant person, seemingly cold even. I’m always polite, of course, and I’ll try to throw in a little joke to relieve any tensions, but distant nonetheless. My facade is even, I consciously try to hide my emotions. I cannot hide what my eyes are telling, so my true feelings will always shine through, but not everyone is aware of that. To the general public, I’m just a strange woman.

Natural Warmth

I was talking with my mother in law the other day, telling her about the friends we have made at the munch. No, she doesn’t know it’s a munch or that it’s anything BDSM related, but I’m comfortable dropping first names and telling about them in broad strokes. My mother in law then said to me: ‘You know, Liz, you are tough to make contact with, because you never open up.’
Which got me thinking. I do open up at the munch. No, definitely not to everyone, but I do to the people I consider my friends. I talk about myself quite a bit, actually. I mean, I have the standard talk I’m comfortable sharing with everyone, about what happened to my parents and roughly about what happened when I was a kid. But with all my friends, I share more. The weird thing is, is that it goes so naturally. They are interested in me, they ask profound questions, and I answer everything truthfully. And in return, they tell me about themselves. Oh wait, I guess that’s the basic definition of building a relationship, a friendship.

Too Little or Too Much

So right now, I’m sacrificing some of my privacy. Actually, quite a lot of my privacy, in exchange for new friends. I even literally invite them into my home. Once I trust you, I dare to open up. And sometimes I amaze myself. Then I come home after the munch and think: why did I say that? Why did I share so much? But that’s the other side of me.
At the one hand I’m completely closed and distant, and on the other hand I easily overshare and tell you everything once I have decided to trust you. Will there ever be a middle way? I don’t know. I guess not. Most of the world doesn’t deserve to see this open side of me. Only when I have decided to trust you, I open my arms, give you a hug and tell you my deepest secrets. And until that day, I will only serve you ice.


F4Thought

6 Comments

  1. I do understand about drawing the curtains! and often my man and i live a very remote life. For days on end – sometimes weeks, we only see each other. I come across as quite gregarious but i love my solitude and my privacy x

    May
    1. Yes, we are just like that 😄
      And if I hadn’t pushed to start visiting munches, we would still be like that for 365 days a year.
      And yes, I still enjoy my solitude very much, but it’s nice to go out there too. Sometimes.

      Lizblackx
  2. I know all too well about trusting people, opening up to them, and then having them betray me in a way that makes me ever more cautious about opening up. It feels easier to open up on my blog than in real life, but then I don’t tell everything on my blog either.

    Rebel xox

    1. Unlike how it may appear, I don’t share everything on my blog either. What once is online, will remain online, and all that.

      I’m just glad we have this outlet 😊

      In the first draft of this Privacy-post, I talked about how I feel using a pseudonym and how freeing that can be, but the post was too jumbled, and today this came out. So yeah 🤷‍♀️

      Lizblackx
  3. I’m very similar. And because of it, I don’t have many friends. But the ones I have are very close. My Husband teases me by calling me a porcupine. Which is okay…because I call him a wolverine. And our son is a wombat. None of us are known for being especially warm and cuddly – but we are like in mind and make our on strange little triad.

    1. I love the names you have for one another ☺️
      The imagery immediately makes it clear what you mean. And it’s okay that there are people like us who are more secluded. We don’t all have to party and to be shouting from the rooftops 😉

      Lizblackx

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