Roasted Flavoured Peanuts
When I first saw this prompt, I thought about my snacking habits. Simply put: I snack too much. Too many crisps and peanuts and chocolate and cookies.
Last year, in the winter of 2018/2019, I was addicted to peanuts, the flavoured ones from Lidl. I gained so much weight that season that I still carry today. But then I thought: that’s not fair. That’s not the entire story.
Just look at how I spend my days. I have no other occupation than writing. Why is it that I struggle to write two measly blog posts a week?
I have always worked hard. From the age of fourteen, I took my first job, and I have worked hard from day one. I was always on time, I never missed a shift, and I took on way more responsibility than necessary.
When I quit my job to work for myself, I assumed I would continue in this vein.
Except I didn’t.
The first years I had no plan, no purpose and no structure. Only when I started my blog, I developed some sense of structure.
The problem is: I want more. I want to become a top sex toy reviewer. I want to write erotica. I want to make money. But still, I have no vision, no plan of how to reach any of these goals.
Part of this, I have led back to my cPTSD. I have a strong inner sense of hopelessness. Why would I try to do anything if it’s only going to lead to disappointment?
Why would I try to finish that story if I’m not going to have it edited anyway? I have already struggled so much with this story, the final scene is bound to be shit anyway.
And yes, of course, I have made lists and plans in the past, but I have abandoned them all. Starting a new plan would only lead to another disappointment.
I have no perseverance at the moment. The longest I can work on one task is thirty minutes. And even then I check mail and Twitter in between. Sometimes I use the Forest app on my phone, and that helps a little, but not enough.
Look, A Squirrel
My mind is fickle. I jump from one idea to the next without finishing anything.
If only I could set myself to writing about bimbofication, I could make money. I’m quite sure of it. But then I think: nah, I’m not that much into that kink right now, I’d much rather write this toy review. And off I go.
I have no perseverance to do anything slightly difficult or annoying, which bugs me to no end. During my years in retail, all I did were tasks I didn’t like, and I did them without protest. My current attitude towards work can even be seen as a form of self-harm. By not finishing anything, I avoid the chance of criticism, but I also perpetuate the feeling of uselessness, of not being worth anything.
So what’s the solution? Sit down and write? Yeah, if only it were that simple. It is that simple, I know, but my mind is strong, and it’s showing me all the signs that no, that would be a bad idea. You’re not going to finish it, you wouldn’t get it properly edited once you do, so it’s a worthless cause to start. Or should I just sit down and try it once again?