Bleak House

When this year started, life was bleak. I quit my day job and moved to another part of the country three years ago. My life was instantly better, but it was hard to adjust to my new, free life. No more set times for work, no one giving out orders. I had to start over, I had to learn how to stand on my own two feet.
It was tough. I was miserable. For the longest time, I felt worthless. Like, literally worthless. And my husband could tell me time and time again I wasn’t, but I could see it so clearly. I couldn’t get any writing done, nothing significant at least, and the only people in my life were my husband, his mother and his sister. They supported me throughout, I won’t say any bad against them, but it wasn’t enough for me. I knew I needed to fill my life otherwise, and I had no idea how. In what you could call a final effort to make friends, we went to our first BDSM-munch. That was the first turning point.

Kinky Friends

As I described in other blog posts, joining the BDSM community was like a breath of fresh air and a feeling of coming home, all at the same time. The people I met at the munch were friendly and welcoming. For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like an outsider in a group. I was accepted and without a lot of difficulties. My husband and I are people who have trouble trusting other people, but that wasn’t even an issue here. For the first time in what seemed like ages, I could giggle with friends, while my husband got to talk about 3D-printers, fucking machines and whatever nerdy and kinky he could come up with. I guess you can call this my first revelation of 2019. A new world opened up to me, one I hadn’t even known existed.

Blog for Life

Roughly around the same time, I decided to follow a piece of advice by Kayla Lords, which was to start my own blog. She was adamant that every writer should have one. I thought it was a ridiculous idea. Who would start a blog in 2019? But after a few lifeless attempts earlier, I decided to give it a go. My other plans weren’t working, so maybe this would help in some way.
It did. It did in more ways than I could have imagined. I started joining memes, and I discovered two things: I could write non-fiction articles, and other people liked what I wrote.
To actually receive comments on my blogs was an eye-opener. So far, I had only written fiction, but I had never gotten a lot of feedback on it. And now people were responding to my non-fiction blogs which were often profoundly personal. I got to share my view on life and on things like BDSM and sex. Writing my blog gave my life a new purpose and a rhythm.

Taking Opportunities

Doors opened up. No, not by itself, but because I had put myself out there and I wrote to companies to inquire if we could cooperate. I got to write a story for Me, writing a story for a porn-website and getting paid to do so? It was a dream come true.
The last month, companies have approached me if I would be willing to review toys for them. They’re not the top-of-the-line brands that I review for, but actually, the quality isn’t even that bad. And I realise I’m more doing them a favour than that I’m earning a living, but I’m building my brand and creating content. I need to reach an audience first before I can expect to receive more exclusive toys.
And just now, after finishing the draft version of this blog post, I got the message that a story I wrote was accepted by a major website. I can’t share the details yet, but it’s definitely another opportunity that I’m immensely proud of.

Being Seen

The final part: recognition. Last week Molly’s Top 100 Sex Blogs of 2019 was published. I am number 81. I cried when I found out, and I could not believe it. How could I have made it this far already? I had never looked at the requirements for this list. I’ve built my blog myself and chosen and added all features myself. This website looks far from how I would want it to look, but I can only do so much, and I wanted to see how far I could get once I started to write content. Pretty far, it seems.
And, on top of that, Kilted Wookie’s list appeared. I was also on it. Another great honour that I had not expected.

Opening and Receiving

2019 was for me a year of creating and receiving opportunities. I opened my heart, I opened my life, I worked hard, and the universe filled it with rewards. Where in 2018 winning NaNoWriMo was my biggest accomplishment, winning it in 2019 was merely an added feat.
This year I found friends who still warm my heart every day. My writing skills are being appreciated, and this time for something I’m building for me, for my benefit.
I’m not worthless anymore. People are waiting to read the texts I write. People are enjoying the posts I write.

Keep On Growing Strong

Is my life perfect now? Will I never be depressed again? No, it’s not like that, but I do feel like my bouts of depression are shorter and less intense. I have to write at least one blog post a week and one sex toy review. And before I know it, the next Munch is up again where I will be in the company of my friends.
So for me, life has changed 180 degrees from 2018. I plan to build on what I have uncovered. And, with things going this way, who knows what 2020 holds in store for me?


  1. It sounds like you’re doing really well, despite struggling so much at the start of this year. You actively made the choice to go to that munch, which became the first positive change and then actively kept making all these other decisions that have brought you here and can be something you should be very proud of! It’s inspiring to read and I think it’s scary but really awesome that you reached out to get the opportunities and had doors open up.

    I read your tweet about your father. I’m sure he would have been very proud. And you should be too!

  2. Hi Liz, so lovely to read your post and hear of the wonderful things that have happened to you. I had a blog many years ago but for a stupid reason I closed it down. I’ve been feeling something has been missing in my life and have decided to come back. It is great to have our own special place and then when the comments, the requests for sex toy reviews come in the blog takes on a whole new life. I’m wanting my blog to be just where I left things but sadly I realise I have to start right from the beginning again. Building an audience and letting the blog grow in an organic way, to grow with me as I grow as a person. I hope you continue to grow. I have always loved the idea of a munch. Fleur xx

    1. Hi Fleur,

      Thank you so much for your comment.

      You should have heard me lament to my husband when I first started this blog. Why do I have to -yet again- start at zero? Why didn’t I just begin this three years ago when I started to write professionally? How am I ever going to find an audience?
      And yet I started and I gradually found my voice and an audience.
      I find it very liberating to have a spot of my own where I can share my ideas and receive feedback.
      And thank you for your warning. I know myself, I’m quite good at dropping projects, especially ones that are beneficial to me. I have no plans of quitting now, but should I get them, I’ll think back to your message.
      Best of luck with your blog. I think the community is quite welcoming and forgiving and you’ll soon be on your blogging-feet again ☺️

  3. I find that my blog is both a litmus of my emotional, mental, and sexual state as well as my drug of choice to combat my “downs”. I can’t imagine life without my blog. I’m glad you are out there, telling your story. And your design will come along. I do all my own stuff with design, but I get a lot of help on the hard stuff fro @newsigns2 (Michael Knight). Good luck with it in 2020. Are you going to do Smut Marathon? I highly recommend it!

    1. During November, while I did NaNoWriMo, I only did one post a week instead of two, and indeed, I did miss it. Strange how something I set up for myself, is having such an impact on my life.

      Thanks for the recommendation, I might check out his work.

      And yes, I am joining Smut Marathon ? I’m gonna ignore it until we’re halfway into January, because it scares the hell out of me. But we’ll see.


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