When this year started, life was bleak. I quit my day job and moved to another part of the country three years ago. My life was instantly better, but it was hard to adjust to my new, free life. No more set times for work, no one giving out orders. I had to start over, I had to learn how to stand on my own two feet.
It was tough. I was miserable. For the longest time, I felt worthless. Like, literally worthless. And my husband could tell me time and time again I wasn’t, but I could see it so clearly. I couldn’t get any writing done, nothing significant at least, and the only people in my life were my husband, his mother and his sister. They supported me throughout, I won’t say any bad against them, but it wasn’t enough for me. I knew I needed to fill my life otherwise, and I had no idea how. In what you could call a final effort to make friends, we went to our first BDSM-munch. That was the first turning point.
As I described in other blog posts, joining the BDSM community was like a breath of fresh air and a feeling of coming home, all at the same time. The people I met at the munch were friendly and welcoming. For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like an outsider in a group. I was accepted and without a lot of difficulties. My husband and I are people who have trouble trusting other people, but that wasn’t even an issue here. For the first time in what seemed like ages, I could giggle with friends, while my husband got to talk about 3D-printers, fucking machines and whatever nerdy and kinky he could come up with. I guess you can call this my first revelation of 2019. A new world opened up to me, one I hadn’t even known existed.
Blog for Life
Roughly around the same time, I decided to follow a piece of advice by Kayla Lords, which was to start my own blog. She was adamant that every writer should have one. I thought it was a ridiculous idea. Who would start a blog in 2019? But after a few lifeless attempts earlier, I decided to give it a go. My other plans weren’t working, so maybe this would help in some way.
It did. It did in more ways than I could have imagined. I started joining memes, and I discovered two things: I could write non-fiction articles, and other people liked what I wrote.
To actually receive comments on my blogs was an eye-opener. So far, I had only written fiction, but I had never gotten a lot of feedback on it. And now people were responding to my non-fiction blogs which were often profoundly personal. I got to share my view on life and on things like BDSM and sex. Writing my blog gave my life a new purpose and a rhythm.
Doors opened up. No, not by itself, but because I had put myself out there and I wrote to companies to inquire if we could cooperate. I got to write a story for FrolicMe.com. Me, writing a story for a porn-website and getting paid to do so? It was a dream come true.
The last month, companies have approached me if I would be willing to review toys for them. They’re not the top-of-the-line brands that I review for Easytoys.nl, but actually, the quality isn’t even that bad. And I realise I’m more doing them a favour than that I’m earning a living, but I’m building my brand and creating content. I need to reach an audience first before I can expect to receive more exclusive toys.
And just now, after finishing the draft version of this blog post, I got the message that a story I wrote was accepted by a major website. I can’t share the details yet, but it’s definitely another opportunity that I’m immensely proud of.
The final part: recognition. Last week Molly’s Top 100 Sex Blogs of 2019 was published. I am number 81. I cried when I found out, and I could not believe it. How could I have made it this far already? I had never looked at the requirements for this list. I’ve built my blog myself and chosen and added all features myself. This website looks far from how I would want it to look, but I can only do so much, and I wanted to see how far I could get once I started to write content. Pretty far, it seems.
And, on top of that, Kilted Wookie’s list appeared. I was also on it. Another great honour that I had not expected.
Opening and Receiving
2019 was for me a year of creating and receiving opportunities. I opened my heart, I opened my life, I worked hard, and the universe filled it with rewards. Where in 2018 winning NaNoWriMo was my biggest accomplishment, winning it in 2019 was merely an added feat.
This year I found friends who still warm my heart every day. My writing skills are being appreciated, and this time for something I’m building for me, for my benefit.
I’m not worthless anymore. People are waiting to read the texts I write. People are enjoying the posts I write.
Keep On Growing Strong
Is my life perfect now? Will I never be depressed again? No, it’s not like that, but I do feel like my bouts of depression are shorter and less intense. I have to write at least one blog post a week and one sex toy review. And before I know it, the next Munch is up again where I will be in the company of my friends.
So for me, life has changed 180 degrees from 2018. I plan to build on what I have uncovered. And, with things going this way, who knows what 2020 holds in store for me?