Blue, Or Is It Pink?
I hate the colour blue. I’m more a pink kinda girl. That said, my mother’s favourite colour was blue. Many items in my room as a kid, were of this shade. I once counted the number of things, but unfortunately, I don’t remember the exact amount. After all, that was thirty years ago. There were many. My chairs, my closet, my bathrobe. It wasn’t ill intent. Part of it was because it was available at second-hand stores, where most of my furniture came from. And I guess it also was partly because my wallpaper was beset with images of cartoon girls which needed something of a balance elsewhere.
What I actually wanted to talk about in this piece, is not my personal history with this particular colour. I wanted to write about how I’ve been feeling kinda blue the past few weeks. And yes, the main reason for this temporary depression is the outbreak of Covid-19 that is currently coursing through our world. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about it since the coverage is pretty much everywhere and unavoidable at this point, but I want to do it anyway. If not for my readers, then for myself. These times are too important not to chronicle. Luckily I have not been affected myself or anyone I know, but it’s still having an intense impact on me.
What’s The Big Deal?
When you compare my life today in self-isolation to my life a year ago, you will see few differences. I don’t go out for grocery shopping on Wednesdays anymore since I order everything online. There are no outings to Ikea or other shopping venues. But basically, that’s it.
Ever since quitting my retail day job, my life was already virtually isolated. A little too much so, that’s why I joined the BDSM community.
What I mean to say is, I am used to being at home a lot. That’s been my life for the past three and a half years anyway. I type my texts from my office in my house, I play video games, and I go for a daily walk outside, when the weather allows it. Back then, I didn’t have any friends to meet, so that’s not a big difference with today. So why then does it feel so oppressing, and what are its effects on me?
First of all, my sexuality is at an all-time low. This is partly due to where I am in my menstrual cycle, and partly because I have no privacy anymore to masturbate. My husband used to go to his office three days a week, during which time I would have the house to myself. At least once a week, I would try to take an hour for myself, watch some videos, and use the time for self-pleasure. With him always home, this has become non-existent. Yes, I can ask for some private time, but I just know he’s going to want to join in anyway. And I don’t really feel like it either. I do miss it sometimes.
What’s really bugging me, and is also blocking my sexuality, is the uncertainty of current day’s events. I have no idea where this is going to lead to. The economy is bound to implode with no one working for at least three months straight. What will that mean for me and my life?
What is going to happen to Europe? As a citizen of the Netherlands, this is of great importance to me. Instead of taking an active role and helping with this pandemic, they’ve only brought bickering, arguments and a whole lot of confusion instead. I’m no fan of Europe, but this could have been a time to shine for the institution. So far, they haven’t. What does that mean? Will they be able to regroup or is this the beginning of the end? And if Europe falls away, what does this mean to our shared currency the Euro? Will we as a country come out stronger or will everything collapse?
Then there’s the question of what society is going to do after the pandemic. There are thousands of beautiful initiatives at the moment with people helping each other and creative works being made. But people tend to forget quickly. I’m afraid that when September hits and all measures have been lifted, we go back to where we were a year ago.
We’ll go shopping like never before. We’ll book our distant vacations like nothing ever happened. We’ll go back to idolising actors even though we think they’re being insensitive right now, tweeting their hardships from their luxurious villas.
We’ll go back spending our money on the businesses whose CEOs made the worst decisions during the pandemic.
In general, people just aren’t that smart and interested in doing things the right way. And what exactly is the right way?
This pandemic hasn’t, yet, hit me personally. I haven’t lost anyone to the disease. My work is from home, and I don’t really see how that could be affected, as long as I continue to keep up my blog and my other writing venues. My husband works in IT in a service related to the care system, so we hope his job will continue to exist for the next couple of years. But you never know.
We had a great BDSM play-session last night, and while my body is very sore, it definitely lifted my spirits. That is still possible, even with these circumstances.
Future Is Unknown
I don’t know what’s in store for the future. Nobody does. Maybe society will change, and we’ll steer away from the cold liberalist capitalism that we were in the last decade or two. I hope so.
Maybe Europe will break, and we’ll return to our nation-states. With how big of a moloch Europe has become, that wouldn’t be so bad either.
Maybe everything will return to how it was like nothing ever happened. That too is a possibility. In the end, only time can tell. Let’s hope that we, as a society, will learn from our mistakes. But when you look at history in general, there’s little chance of that.