When we first started with spankings, I quickly went online to gather information. How did other couples incorporate this in their BDSM-lifestyle? Should it be a punishment? Can we do this daily?
During this search, I found the ‘Domestic Discipline’ community. Many people do spankings regularly, both in- and outside the BDSM community, to maintain a level of discipline within their relationship. A lot of these sites were about ‘keeping your wife well-behaved,’ while others had a Christian foundation. I was intrigued and wondered if this concept could have a place in our D/s relationship. More than a year later, I have formed my opinion.
In the 24/7 D/s relationship I’m in with my husband, of course, there are rules. They’re not very strict. One of our earliest rules was that my husband has to fasten my seatbelt for me. It’s a small, simple tradition that we do mindlessly nowadays, but it’s a reminder of who we are to each other. During play, I call my husband by his first name when he asks me questions. To us, that’s enough a sign of respect. I don’t need to call him Sir or Master. That’s also because the Dutch translations sound weird, and when we tried them in the beginning, they only made me giggle.
Another rule is that I need to ask permission before I reach my orgasm. This too is not very strict, but we do play around with it.
One reason for not applying a strict domestic discipline in our household is that my husband doesn’t want to lay punishments on me. He notices when I do my chores, and he recognises that often when I don’t, something is going on. Overall I try to behave and do tasks to my best performance.
I punish myself often. Take last week: I was upset I had not done all my daily tasks, so I forbade myself to play Animal Crossing that evening. I won’t order a bar of chocolate for myself if I have not done enough work during the week. If I’ve not done enough, I will forbid myself to do something I enjoy.
The problem is that I do this almost without noticing. I’ve been raised in a very strict household, so it was ingrained in me at an early age. My husband hates that I do this, but I can hardly control it, and he doesn’t want to add more negative stimuli to my already upset mind. I know I’ve done something wrong, I’ve berated myself for it, I’ve punished myself for it. Adding yet another punishment would only make things worse instead of better.
Spankings as Discipline
Funnily enough, our spankings do function as a form of discipline. We do our regular spankings once a week, two weeks. We never do them as a consequence for something I did or didn’t do. It’s usually because we both sense it’s time, it’s necessary. It changes something inside of me when we do. Afterwards, I feel more submissive to my husband. It’s like this deep evolutionary sign of dominance has spoken where I recognise he is stronger than I am. In the days following, I act softer towards my Dominant. I’m not as bitchy or argumentative as I sometimes can be. I guess I really do come out as a better-behaved wife.
Discipline is necessary for every BDSM-relationship. Without it, things water down, and in the end, there’s little BDSM left. I don’t see myself in a Domestic Discipline situation at all. We do our spankings when we both feel like it and often regardless of other things going on in our household. I recognise our spankings have an effect on both me and how I treat my Dominant in the days afterwards. So yes, for me they definitely have a place in a 2020 modern relationship. As a submissive, I have pledged my servitude. With how we have implemented discipline in our D/s, we both do our part and we, as a couple, benefit from it.