Virgos are down to earth, tidy and well-organized. Another prominent feature is perfectionism. I don’t identify with all these characteristics (clean house, where?), but I’m definitely a perfectionist. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been one. I think some of it has to do with how I’ve been raised, but I think that regardless I would have had this feature. It’s part of my personality, a big part of what defines me. Of course there are many benefits to being a perfectionist, but unfortunately many downfalls too.
As a teenager, I was a perfectionist in my schoolwork. I strived to be the best. I studied hard by spending many hours learning German, French, and English words.
Attempting to be a know-it-all, probably didn’t make me a more fun person to be around, but it did get me through high school with excellent grades. I enjoyed the sense of confidence it gave me.
No Longer the Smartest
Going to university, things changed. I didn’t know how to study long texts, I received no guidance, and I struggled a lot. My perfectionist self hated going into exams not having studied properly, and I definitely didn’t thrive as I once had in high school.
At the same time, I even preferred my retail side-job, because that was something I knew how to do. In the end, I even quit university for this reason. I worked so many hours in retail, I couldn’t study enough, and so I felt my results were sub-par all the time. It made me miserable.
In my retail job, I struggled too. Because of the many cut-backs, I had so many tasks to do, that it was physically impossible for me to do them all, especially with the level of attention I prefer to give. This too stressed me out to no end.
Time to Write
So I quit that job and became a writer. Now, finally, I had all the time to put every bit of depth and detail in my work as I could possibly want.
Yes, I had the time and opportunity to do so, but I didn’t. The stories that I wrote, the works that I published, it was nowhere near the ideal I had in my mind. I ran a webshop on the side, but that too didn’t get the attention it required. So I was still frustrated.
Is ‘Okay’ Enough?
Unfortunately, that’s where I am today. Right now, I’m focusing on writing this blog. It’s a lot better than when I was writing fiction, but it’s not perfect yet. I want to spend more time writing the pieces, polishing them, editing them, and adding grand ideas to the mix. I have to remind myself that sometimes ‘okay’ is good enough.
There is one subject I have omitted so far: perfectionism in sexuality. Yes, I have that too. I’ve browsed through Tumblr for hours, looking at BDSM videos and pictures. I want to be like the women in these videos. Yes, the professional pornstars.
Trust me, my body is nowhere near that ideal. I’m overweight, non-athletic, and not at all flexible. Yet when I have sex with my husband, I expect it of myself to be as good as those trained women. Of course, he can put me in that hog-tie. Of course, he can give me one-hundred strokes with the cane, even though twenty was already stretching it. My perfectionist self is way too ambitious. And of course, my husband looks out for me and guards my limits, but it results in one way: I get frustrated.
My Ideal World
In my perfectionist world, these are the tasks I should do every day:
- write a well-informed blog post
- write an in-depth sex toy review
- clean the house
- cook a healthy meal
- do yoga exercises for half an hour
- practice bondage with my husband for an hour
- cross-stitch for an hour
- read for an hour
- play videogames for two hours
- go for a walk for an hour
- keep up with social media
- masturbate and test sex toys for new reviews
- talk with friends and family
You know what the worst part is? This is really going through my mind every day. Add up those numbers, and you’ll see it’s unfeasible. If you count in sitting down, eating, drinking, spending time with my cats, I can never make this schedule every day. And so, once again, I get frustrated.
Living with perfectionism isn’t easy. It’s quite a curse. Nothing I do is ever good enough.
We’ve talked about implementing punishments into our BDSM play, but my husband is convinced no one can punish me harder than I already punish myself.
Some Small Benefits
Is there nothing good to say about it? Well, I’m in charge of doing the groceries and finances in our household, and both of these go well. We always pay our bills on time, and we hardly ever miss any groceries.
It’s My Curse
Would I want to miss my perfectionism? I don’t know. I don’t think so. It’s a large part of who I am. It what makes me, me. I just wish ‘me’ could be a little bit more relaxed about everything. A somewhat healthier implementation of perfectionism could be advisable. But I have no idea how to accept striving for a less-than-perfect world.
This article was inspired by the prompt by Sex Bloggers for Mental Health