In previous posts, I have written about my experience with SAD, like here. I even wrote a battle plan. And you know, I thought I was doing pretty well. I was taking my vitamin pills, going out with friends, attending munches and peer ropes. I did everything I had planned to do, and it worked. Until now.
The weeks of Christmas and New Year’s were too busy, and I feel like I still have not recovered from them. It’s ironic because I’m past all the difficult days by now. All birthdays and days of deaths of my loved ones have passed, so this is usually the time when things start to look better. Except they don’t.
Depression is such a sneaky bastard. Until a couple of days ago, I didn’t even realise it had crept back into my life. I hadn’t fallen ill during the holidays, so I thought all was well. Instead, I fell sick well into the new year. It’s nothing serious, just a cold mixed with a light flu, but it debilitated me. For days I had no energy, I didn’t sleep well. Actually, I have not had a decent night’s sleep since Christmas. I sleep just enough to get me through the day.
I have no inspiration to write. Achieving the minimum of two blog posts a week I want to write, feels like climbing a mountain. I have no motivation. I’ve thrown out full posts that I felt weren’t good enough. I have just not written much, which in turn makes me feel inadequate, which feeds my depression. Sometimes I have a sliver of inspiration to write something, but long before I sit down to write anything, it has evaporated.
After May’s advice, I’ve been taking my vitamin pills religiously during October and November. Only the last couple of weeks, I have lapsed in this practice, and I stopped taking my Vitamin D3 pills daily. Always when I need them the most, I quit. Funny how that works.
Do you know what may be the worst part of this depression thing? My libido has taken a holiday of its own. I masturbate roughly once a week right now, and it offers me little pleasure. I used to call it my ‘porn therapy’ when I could turn to reading erotica or watching videos to arouse and distract myself from bad thoughts. I tried it last week, but I didn’t even like the orgasms I had. It was just meh. I have no sexual fantasies during the day.
I did notice this about myself, and I wondered what could be the reason. I thought it was my age, that I had finally outgrown this whole sex thing. And yes, that would be a conflict considering my current career in writing about sex.
Not All is Lost
They say that the moment you realise you are sick, you are actually already getting better and are now able to start fighting it. I’m trying to get back to my daily walks outside, something we stopped doing in December. I found an excellent supplier of ecological produce who delivers a collection of fruits and vegetables to my house once a week, so I’m eating healthier. I’ve continued to attend munches to at least go out there and be amongst people. I’ve met up with friends. We still communicate through WhatsApp and send each other cute cat and dog pictures.
Return to Me
I feel betrayed by my mind. I thought I was doing so well and thought I could circumvent SAD for an entire year. I was fooled. I fooled myself. My depression is nowhere near as deep and intense as it was last year or the year before, but it is here. Now that I know, I recognise the signs, and I can start healing. I miss my sexuality. I miss myself. I want to write more and be proud of what I’ve written. I want to be the kind me again, instead of the one who is biting everyone’s head off all day long, both cats and husbands. Can it please be spring already?