Not a Nimble Elf, but a Hippo in a Tutu
Last year I had an interview by phone with a marketer who wanted to ask me some questions about sex toys. Being a sex toy reviewer and sex blogger, I was willing to help. One of the questions she asked me was: when do you feel sexy? My answer came out quickly: never.
This is true. I never feel sexy. Not in the way I look, nor in the way I move or behave. Which is funny for someone who thinks about sex a lot. And not just in the way everybody does, but I made it my profession. I read about sex, I write about it, I review adult products. Basically, in every way possible, there is a form of sexuality in my life. But I don’t feel sexy.
First of all, this is not my husband’s fault. He tells me that I’m sexy multiple times a day. He thinks my boobs are hot, my ass, basically everything about me. He really tries to make me feel confident. I recently started to wear dresses, which did make me feel a little bit better. Now when I see myself in the mirror, I see something of a silhouette instead of the garbage bag blob I saw before with my oversized home clothes. Wearing a dress may have improved my self-image, but I’m still not feeling sexy. My husband can tell me he thinks I’m sexy a thousand times a day, I just don’t believe him. And since I’m quite stubborn, there’s not much he can do to change that.
Some part of this issue is that I’m overweight. I have not always been this size. I’ve never been particularly thin, but the last three years I’ve gained too much weight. Leading a sedentary life without much exercise is not doing me any good. Looking at my body the way it is now, definitely makes me feel unsexy. I don’t mean to fat-shame anyone. If you’re comfortable in your skin, then be welcome to do so. I just am not.
I’ve never been a nimble elf. The way I move is always clunky and rough, also when I weighed less. When I left my previous partner, I lost a lot of weight. The stress of moving on my own and losing my job made me lose over twenty kilos in just a few months. But even at that weight, I didn’t feel sexy. I cannot make the movements I see other people do. Time and time again, my husband wants me to show him a sexy striptease, but I always feel like one of the dancing hippos with a tutu as you can see in Fantasia. That’s actually a perfect description of how sexy I feel in my body.
At the moment, my lack of feeling sexual is somewhat worse than usual. I have few sexual fantasies at all. I mean, I can seduce, or be seduced by, a rock star in my dreams and have a sexy rendezvous that way. But I don’t have many sexual fantasies right now.
Part of this might be a lingering depression. I try my best to be active and distract myself, but the amount of sexual fantasies I have is usually a good gradient of how depressed I really am. But then again, I have a lot of stressors in my life right now. Our car has broken down, so we’re looking for a new one. But because I don’t make any money, our budget is limited, and that weighs heavily on my shoulders. No, my husband would never blame me for it, but I feel the responsibility. If only…
My cats are having minor health issues, and I have some relational things going on. Many small things are happening, and everything together makes it a lot. And that doesn’t help with how sexy I feel.
But I will go on. I know myself; one day, my sexual fantasies will return. I don’t think I’ll ever feel sexy in my body. Yes, I’m going to lose weight by eating healthier food and by exercising more, but just losing weight won’t make me feel sexy. I don’t think I’ll ever feel sexy, and that’s okay too. I have my intelligence. I know I can seduce men with words. I have the power to turn people on with my stories. So that’s what I’ll keep doing. I’m not a nimble elf, but a hippo in a tutu. And that’s okay too.