Expectations can be fickle things. On the one hand, I expect only the best outcomes to happen. On the other hand, I’m quite a negative person who often holds a realistic and pessimistic outlook.
The same goes for our BDSM-life. My partner and I often prepared for a big play-session, and either it didn’t happen at all, or it didn’t turn out to be like any of us expected. How do we deal with these circumstances? Did I turn out to be the submissive I imagined to be?

Real Life Submission

Short answer? No, I did not turn out to be the submissive I imagined being. Unfortunately, there is a difference between fantasy and real life.
In my fantasy, as you can see it represented in many of my stories, I thought I’d be in full service to my dominant, 24/7. Always waiting on my knees next to him, or locked away in a cage nearby, without any other tasks or duties than to please my Master.
Or else, in a less extreme variant, I’d be in this kind of service every day.
In real life, however, this is not the case. Next to my everyday tasks, I just don’t feel like being a sexual submissive at all times. Sometimes things are going on which occupy my mind, sometimes we have work-things going on, or we have physical issues. It’s not glamorous, but it’s true.

Endless BDSM

My husband had high expectations when our relationship began. I was his sexual submissive from the start. Things started out great. He expected to have accomplished all his BDSM wishes within the year. Life decided otherwise.
A year after we had first met, my husband’s father passed away. One year later, with only a day difference, my mother passed away. Understandably, these events put a hold on sexy BDSM developments. We had our grief to deal with first. These events did bring us closer together, but not in the way we had hoped and expected beforehand.

Stress and BDSM

When I quit my day job, my husband again expected our BDSM-life to get a boost. And again, sadly, things didn’t turn out that way. We’re doing all right, really. I’m just often too stressed to easily let go.
All through these years, we’ve kept up our communication about both our wishes and our disappointments. We try to bring up the subject at least once a week to discuss the current situation. We also try to keep up our maintenance spankings once a week. And if I come up with an idea for play on any day, I will bring it up, which often leads to hot situations. Life is what happens to you while you are busy making plans. We’re not off any worse because our expectations didn’t come true. We have weathered our storms which have made our marriage stronger. And who knows what dreams we can achieve in the future?

The Oral Sex Project


  1. I think life getting in the way is really commonplace and I wonder sometimes if people are actually able to maintain high levels of D/s throughout. Interesting what you said about your expectations about being a submissive. I had not thought of that in this way but I too am far from the submissive I expected to be. Interesting post Liz. Thank you. Missy x

    1. I guess you’re right, Missy. And even the ones who have spectacular play pictures every day on Twitter or FL are probably not that active in real life.

      And what I said about my submissive expectations was exaggerated, of course, and would never have been do-able, but I guess in some small way they were my expectations. Ah well, you live and learn 😊

      1. I realised you didn’t actually expect that but I did think I would become more submissive and more like the people in the books who thought submissively. But I am not that submissive. I didn’t realise there were different types and that did skew my expectations. x

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