A Changing World
The world is changing. It always is, of course, but the past few months, the world has changed beyond recognition. I’m a sensitive person, and this affects me a lot. These changes are also why I’ve been more silent than before. My blog hasn’t been updated as much as I would like, which has made me feel bad. This caused me even more stress: vicious circles and all that. My first symptom is always my sleeping habit.
Overall, I don’t see myself as a bad or difficult sleeper. During regular times, I don’t have too much trouble falling asleep and sleeping through the night. My husband’s and my main fault is that we go to bed too late. We often stay up until 2 or 3 AM. I know that going to bed after 2:30 is wrecking for me. So we’re trying to mend our ways.
The past couple of weeks, I’ve had many broken nights. I would wake up after only a couple of hours of sleep and not be able to get back into sleep. This is detrimental to my mental health.
One of the reasons why I couldn’t sleep was last week’s temperatures. I hate heat. Once it’s more than twenty-five degrees Celsius outside, I get blocked. I can’t seem to think straight. I can’t move anymore. There’s really nothing I can do. All the children in the neighbourhood playing outside, their screams and jeers also make me feel worse. And when I wake up from sweating too much, it’s not making things any better.
I’m going to state the obvious here: the state of the world isn’t helping my mental health. At all. It looks like we’ve successfully dealt with the Corona crisis here in The Netherlands and things are getting back to normal. In a way, that’s good. It’s nice to enjoy a bit more freedom and get out a bit more.
On the other hand, it’s scary, because who knows whether now is the right time? Aren’t we reverting things too soon? Only time can tell.
Then there are the protests. Since I won’t discuss politics on this blog, I won’t talk about my position. But whatever my opinion is, the protests going on, do affect me. It hurts me to see the world in an uproar, to see statues being toppled over. I’ll say this: history is what happened in the past. Yes, it’s always written by the victors, but the times when groups tried to erase or rewrite parts of history, we didn’t come out better. This trend worries me.
I’m sad the Smut Marathon 2020 had to quit over these same kinds of protests. A couple of weeks ago, I would have told you the Marathon was causing me a lot of stress. Now that it has stopped, over these reasons, it’s a different form of stress. It’s yet another sign of the state of the world, and one with a whole lot less freedom of speech for everyone.
My response is to retreat. I retreat from the friendships I have built. I try to hold back from checking social media. I still stay at home and hang out with my cats. They don’t know what’s going on in the world, and they don’t care. As long as they have food and cuddles, they’re good.
I try to distract myself by playing video games. There was a time when I would turn to writing fiction to create my own world. This time it seems that path is blocked. I sometimes manage to write a little, like with my latest bimbofication story, but it’s tough.
I prefer to start up my computer and play out storylines designed by other people, like in Lord of the Rings Online. There’s little talk of the outside world in that game, so while playing it gives me some peace of mind.
I’ll Be Here
What I’m trying to say is: I’m still here. I try to sit out the storm and keep things together as good as possible. Not working and not writing has not made me feel any better. It has actually made me feel worse. So I’m trying to start building things up again. We’re trying to get back to our daily walks and go to bed on time. I’m going to try and do my yoga exercises again. The weight I gained over the past couple of months is not helping things. Let’s hope the world reaches some form of stability in the not too far future. And until that time, I’ll keep on writing.