How We Used Goals to Structure Our BDSM


Picture of a notebook as illustration to the text by Liz BlackX
Our goals notebook. Yes, looks can be deceiving

My dominant and I are in a 24/7 D/s relationship, but things haven’t always been this way. We struggled with how to fit BDSM into our daily life. Since we didn’t have any friends to discuss this with, it was challenging to solve. But one day, we set goals. We sat down together, took a blank notebook and wrote down which areas of BDSM we wanted to expand upon in our lives. This gave us feasible goals to work towards, and remnants of this system are still visible in our lives today. What were the goals we set for ourselves? How did it work? Can anyone do this?

The Talk

Our first step was to set a time in the week when we discussed how we felt our BDSM life was going. One important rule is that anything said during this conversation is without adverse consequences in play. It’s not like I get a spanking for something I said during this talk, not in a wrong way at least. My dominant will ask me if I’m happy with how things are going and if something needs to be changed. It is vital to keep communication open in a BDSM relationship.

Which Areas

Description of tasks completed, written in Dutch, as illustration to the text by Liz BlackX

What we did next was decide which areas within BDSM we wanted to explore together. I took the notebook and added the different sections to blank pages.
We chose: spanking, bondage, anal, oral, using different props and toys, and electro.
We then wrote out several goals and subtasks of what exactly we wanted to investigate for each subject.
For example, I was curious about what it would be like to have bruises after play. What would more intense spankings be like?

The first few weeks we would literally take the notebook, write down our progress and discuss it.

I loved this set-up. It gave us clear goals to work towards. Because we discussed it weekly, it gave us accountability, and it kept things on the agenda.


Both my husband and I have been into BDSM for most of our lives, so we have a clear view of what we want to dig in deeper. But when daily life intervenes, it often just doesn’t happen. The fun stuff gets pushed towards the back, and only the tedious tasks remain. Every time we do play, we ask ourselves why we don’t do it more often.

For Everyone?

So can anyone use this set-up? Of course. My husband and I have read a lot of information, and fiction, online, but that’s no prerogative. You can even go to the BDSM Wikipedia site and start there. What topics interest you? Do you want to learn more about chastity, pain, humiliation? Pick one and investigate further. How could you and your partner apply this in your daily life?

Just Try It

Maybe only a simple task of not masturbating for one day, and then two. Discuss how that made you feel. Was it all right? Were the effects what you expected them to be? Do you want more?

You can do this for any subject within BDSM. As long as it’s consensual and you keep open communication with our partner about it. And be honest all the way.


Looking through this booklet now, two years later, I see we have achieved a lot. Spankings are still a common, nearly weekly, occurrence. But I see other areas where using this notebook would come in handy. What bondages will we try? We bought a roll of untreated rope recently. When are we going to finish that? What bondages would be cool to photograph for my blog?


See, still, plenty of areas to improve upon. Maybe I should bring it up again and suggest revising and updating our goals. A BDSM-relationship is never finished.


    1. Oh, you can read what I wrote in the notebook ?
      I thought about translating the lines, but figured many were comprehensible for an English reader too.
      Now, two and a half years later, it’s cool to look back and see what we achieved and what we are working on still. It’s a nice tool ☺️

  1. I really love your idea of using a notebook and looking back on progress. I also like that way that you have make this seem so simple and achievable. I realise that it takes conscious thought but often D/s is portrayed as something which is complicated and inflexible with rules and rituals etc but you have shown that this doesn’t need to be the case. Thank you πŸ™‚

    1. Yup, and it’s something anyone can do, no matter your experience or your level. Just set your goals slightly higher than your current level and you’re good to go!

      I hope it helps someone πŸ™‚

    1. Yes, you’re absolutely right. We choose to write these ideas down on a moment when we’re down to earth, drinking coffee so to speak, and not half in play where even the wildest ideas can seem attractive.

  2. When you have passed some stage of your relationship, you have experience. This experience is applicable to one degree or another in other areas. At least there is some algorithm for where to start and how to move. And of course, records allow you to organize and analyze any experience, allowing you to make adjustments where they are required.

    1. Yes, I love reading back to what I thought of something years ago in my journals. And with this notebook it’s the exact same thing. Memory isn’t always reliable and now we have something we can’t refute.

  3. Pingback: How Communication and D/s Have Held Us Together * Liz BlackX

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